Whether it was Ben Franklin inventing electricity, or the discovery of the scrambling quarterback, the world has been ripping off Philadelphia’s ideas forever. But nothing has been ripped off as fast as the Beer Week. Since Philly Beer Week’s inception, there have been over 100 created. Most cities even rip off the distorted timeframe of a week. The more I looked into what all of these other cities were doing for theirs, the more I realized that the rest of them don’t seem to be real good at it. I’ve decided, for the first time, to delve into investigative journalism for this issue’s column, as I spent at least 40 minutes online, looking these Beer Weeks up to give a little insight on what’s going on out there. I selected these eight because they were the first eight I looked up.
Yakima Beer Week (Washington State). Listen kiddo, we really appreciate the effort, but why don’t you, Spokane and Tacoma all join up in some forest for 10 days of keggers and have the coolest beer week ever? I swear, if you do this, I’ll come to the first one, unless it falls on or near my wife or kids’ birthdays or any Eagles game. Or June.
New York City Beer Week. You people should be ashamed of yourselves. According to Google, there isn’t even one this year. If I had your resources, and a population of 20 million people to work with, I personally could put on an incredible NYC Beer Week, and I’m lazy as shit and wouldn’t even take it all that seriously. My theory is you’ve moved on to the next cool thing already. I hope it’s meth.
Detroit Beer Week. I’d hate to see the job fair for that one.
Dallas Beer Week. I looked into this city’s Beer Week almost immediately. For obvious reasons, I have an honest to goodness, deep-rooted hatred towards this city, so I knew I was gonna find something good to use. Well, the first thing that popped up on a search was the slogan from last year’s festivities. “A Week of Beer, Food, and Awesome.” I searched no further. Thank you Dallas, you’re awesome.
San Diego Beer Week. It’s amazing how you can get that many beers that taste alike all in the same place at the same time. That’s as harsh as I’ll get due to my love of Junior Seau.
Atlanta Beer Week. The logo is a hop bud placed in the center of a peach. Gimmie a break. First of all, peaches grow in Georgia. Everywhere in Georgia, except for Atlanta. It’s like using the Pennsylvania Flying Squirrel as the PBW logo. (There is no such squirrel.) Second of all, those people probably can’t read this.
American Craft Beer Week. Uh, what? A national Beer Week that takes place in all 50 states that starts in 8 days from when I’m writing this? I own a beer bar and would have never heard about this if I didn’t stumble upon it while looking up all the other dumb ones. I literally found it well after Yakima Beer Week. This one claims to be known as the “mother of all beer weeks.” As far as I’m concerned, if all of the Beer Weeks have a common mother, it’s my friend Tom.
Las Vegas Beer Week. This one is reported to begin in 2013. On the other hand, this one’s awesome. It’s in Vegas and you can gamble and do all types of shit. Maybe whore it up. I’d probably have about eight beers the whole week.