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I on Beer

I on Beer

Here’s to death, Miller Lite. Some of you might think I meant death to Miller Lite. But I don’t. I actually want to congratulate Miller Brewing Company’s newest manslaughter invention, the Punch Top. Their lawyers are probably too good to ever let murder stick, so I’m calling it more of a manslaughter device, most likely vehicular. If the commercials for it didn’t end with the words “please drink responsibly,” I probably wouldn’t have found the whole thing funny enough to write about.

Somehow this thing got by MADD, and any other organization that cares about people, by pretending it has something to do with pouring beer into a glass. Here’s a quote from Miller’s director of innovation and activation (whatever the hell that means): “In our testing, consumers told us they prefer the Punch Top Can three-to-one over the standard beer can because it’s more like drinking from a pilsner glass.” On the other hand, according to my own figures, I figure 3 out of every 4 people that took part in this study are fictional. No one can be that dumb. The fact that they insist on calling it a pilsner might bother me more than anything.

Now, I hope I’m not breaking any man laws by giving away their secrets, but I’ve been in this business for 22 years, and have been drinking for 24 of them, and excluding beer pong or some other germ spreading beer games, no one pours that bullshit in a glass. The Punch Top is obviously designed for idiot guys between the ages of 16 to about 24, to poke a hole in a can of beer so they can enjoy 12 ounces of the crisp, triple hopped, pilsner taste of a Miller Lite in about .7 seconds. A couple girls will even try it, but that won’t end well. (See St. Patrick’s Day Article in February/March issue)

When something like their Vortex bottle comes out, I laugh because frankly, it’s a riot. Even they can’t come up with a reason they made that dumbass thing. The bottles that have mountain ranges change color, according to the beer reaching premium cold taste levels, are borderline comic genius. Yes, Miller and Coors are the same company, which is also really funny on its own. But when these assholes come up with this kind of Punch Top thing, I think they cross the line. They might as well be in the diamond trade. How can you, if you have any kind of conscious, design a beer, to dare our idiot youth to drink more and faster. It doesn’t even bother me that they’re marketing towards idiots, but the young ones should be off limits because they’re so much more likely to drive, fight, or molest after drinking that garbage.

I hope to see how many fatalities will be related to these cans before they’re made illegal. They’ll definitely be banned at some point because even the government doesn’t like murder in our own country, most of the time. If my kids were in college, I’d already have the lawsuit drawn up. Miller’s defense is that the hole in the can smoothes the flow of the beer, so the drinker gets less burp inducing “glugs.” Probably should’ve run this by your science department, but a “glug” is a sound. No sound can induce a burp, because you don’t drink or eat sound. Besides, aren’t you idiots breaking a man law yourself for your effort to eliminate burps?


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