Football is my favorite. Aside from my kids, and occasionally my wife, professional football is my favorite thing in the whole world. Now, if you read this column or know anything about me, you know I love beer, too. I’m very passionate about it. My career revolves around it. I read about it during my free time. I travel to visit breweries and all that stuff. That being said, if I had to choose, with a gun to my head, between beer and football for the rest of my life, I would take that gun and shoot beer right in the head, just to show football how much I love him.
My mom claims that I started going to Eagles games as a one-year-old. They used to let kids in for free if you carried them in.
I swear I was carried in until I was about 14-years old. I experienced all types of cool stuff there. It’s where I learned that pot smells so delicious. I also learned how to curse, boo, and pee in a sink there. It was the happiest place on Earth, except for all those drunk guys punching each other.
Thirty-seven years later, football is better than ever. I still can’t sleep the night before some games. It’s almost perfect, and like everything else that isn’t perfect, I think I know how to fix it. Here are three simple suggestions for the NFL to perfect the world’s most popular sport…
Japan’s Universal Fan Fest Initiative:
The centerpiece of Japan’s bid to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup is a promise to show games in live time, holographic 3D images in stadiums around the world. For instance, if the United States were playing the Ivory Coast in a World Cup game in Tokyo, we could all go to the Linc and watch the game being played live right before our eyes, on our field. Now, if the Japanese are smart enough to come up with that technology, Americans are certainly smart enough to steal it. With how fast technology improves, in a couple years we could have this technology in our homes, or better yet, in our bars. I figure we could get it down to the size of the chess board in Star Wars. I long for the day when a bunch of guys will gather in a circle and cheer for something that isn’t cockfighting at Pistola’s.
Better Serial Killer Detection:
As many of you know, the NFL sends every draft-eligible college football player to what they call a scouting combine before they come into the league. They check everything physically: size, speed, strength, and agility. They also make them take a test to see if they’re smarter than a fifth grader. One Dallas Cowboy was even asked if his mom was a prostitute. They look for everything in a player, except one thing: are they likely to be a serial killer while being on the team? This is written in early July, when Aaron Hernandez was only likely responsible for three murders and shooting one guy in the face. Who knows how many he’s up to by the time you read this. But with all of the resources NFL teams have, how in the hell could a team like the no-good-cheating Patriots miss warning signs of a 23-year-old murderer? There’s gotta be a test. Freakin’ hypnotize each one of them and flat out ask them if they’re likely to murder. Subconsciously, they gotta know. For example, I learned through hypnosis that I am not likely to murder anyone.
Stop It With These Referees:
Replace all of these old referees with young ones. Then, when technology makes it possible, replace those guys with robots, computers, and satellites. And I want cameras everywhere. Maybe someday in the future, there will be tiny cameras on the end of each blade of grass. There should be no human error in deciding sports. I’m pretty sure I can set up cameras and watch my bar from home on my phone for a couple thousand dollars. There has to be a better answer for the trillion dollar NFL than part-time, old men. Nothing aggravates me more, in the age of laser fusion and Higgs Bosons, than watching a couple of guys trot out ten yards of chain to measure a first down. In droopy pants no less.
Aside from these simple suggestions and possibly one lengthy one about the beer situation at the Lincoln Financial Field (which was cut out of the column due to language and rage), I don’t care what the NFL does, it’s the best.