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I on Beer

I on Beer

I don’t like whiskey. It’s just always there. The second I started hanging around Center City, Philadelphia, shots of Irish whiskey starting appearing every time I went out for a beer. Not even sure where they came from. Of all the shots of whiskey I’ve ever had, I’ve probably only ordered about a tenth of them. I probably desire one out of four, and end up enjoying about one out of twenty. I’ve quit drinking whiskey for good about 100 times now, and that’s just not working. It’s like I have no choice. When people buy me a shot, I can’t be rude and turn it down for the good of my health. I’m supposed to be a professional.

Only recently did I realize that most people, me and the majority of my friends included, are doing it wrong. I’m surrounded by people that appreciate quality in everything they put in their body. Nowadays, people in Philadelphia tend to search out the best beers, restaurants, prescription drugs, wines, etc., but drink shots like normal dumb people. Everyone has a favorite Irish whiskey, but I suspect most wouldn’t be able to differentiate them in a blind taste test. I have a theory why none are very good, and why they all kinda taste alike.

They’re all made at the same place.

Literally, Jameson, Tullamore Dew, John Powers, Paddy, and Redbreast are all produced at the New Midleton Distillery in
County Cork, Ireland. With all apologies to my Irish heritage, that’s unforgivable. We would never put up with that from craft breweries. The closest we get is contract brewing. Contract brewing is when a brewery makes their beer outside of their
own brewery. Companies will do this sometimes temporarily for emergencies, or they don’t have room to expand, but it’s generally done to save money. Now, I’m not usually a fan of contract brewing, but that’s nothing compared to what’s going on with that whiskey. The equivalent would be if all of these breweries did all of their brewing at Budweiser. I think we’ve been a shitty Irish whiskey town for too long and it’s time for some changes.

Because not drinking whiskey anymore is not an option, I propose we all start drinking small batch bourbons or something. Maybe somebody from Philadelphia should make a whiskey. It can’t be that hard. You figure Southerners make the best domestic whiskey. I refuse to believe anybody in the South is the best at doing anything. Besides, you always hear how great our water is for stuff like that. It’s a simple business plan. Make an affordable, somewhat tasty, blended whiskey. You then steal a couple of the big time local beer reps, call it Fergie’s Irish Whiskey™, and proceed to sell a million bottles in Philadelphia.

As a nod to our friends who cross a bridge every Friday and Saturday to hang out in Old City, we could totally bro out and become a Jäger town. Maybe start dropping pints of it in energy drinks. Jägerbombs make me dance awesome and gives me the confidence to drive my moped on sidewalks. That Fernet stuff is an option, too. I only say that because I had it once a couple years ago and I can’t get the taste out of my head. It’s made with about 30 spices, none from Earth. It’s great. I think.

We could think outside the box and become an absinthe town. I don’t mean that sissy legal stuff that’s going around, but hardcore, make you wanna bite people-type absinthe. I want the stuff that’s made by crazy people in castle basements or whatever. At least we’d be drinking something interesting. Can you imagine how fun an Eagles/Cowboys game would be if the whole Linc was hopped up on old school wormwood absinthe? We’d definitely make SportsCenter.

What’s really going to happen is we’re all going to continue to drink the factory whiskey. Me included. Because it’s always there.

About Jon Clark

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