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I On Beer

I On Beer

It’s that magical time of year again that everyone complains about. I personally love the holiday season. Even though I’m usually sick of Christmas beers around the 12th, I get really excited for them every year. I love getting presents, myths about elves, and spending a day trying to get fat. Usually, my winter column is about what I want for Christmas or insulting religions, but it’s always geared towards the beer geeks out there. Ignoring the fact that non-beer drinkers have no reason to pick up this magazine, this year I decided writing to them for the first time might be a festive idea.

Dear Nerds,
I imagine it’s tough trying to shop for a beer drinker when you’re so lame, so I put together a few gift ideas you can think about over your blush wine.

Water
If you don’t count the water in beer and soda, I probably don’t drink enough water. As it turns out, most people don’t. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 43 percent of adults drink less than four cups of water a day, with a hilarious 7 percent who drink none. And if you listen to Madonna, she’s the only one who drinks enough water. I think a great gift idea would be one of those giant water bottle services that come into your house. It’s hard to explain why, but I’m much more likely to drink water out of a chilled, refreshing shade of see-through plastic blue. It’s way more enticing than waiting for the spicket water to get kinda cold while I stare at some kid’s old bowl of cereal. Because water is water, and they’re probably all a rip-off, I’d shop around and focus on finding the company with the least shady deliverymen. The slight bump up in chance of home invasion aside, a yearly subscription of water would make a great annual present for your significant hophead.

Ginkgo Biloba Tree
I remember stepping on a ginkgo berry on my way onto a school bus as a fourth grader and it being one of the most embarrassing days of my life. I was confused by how something so small could smell so horrible. All of the other kids were confused why I would purposely step on something like that, get on a bus, and expect not to get teased about it for five years. On the bright side, according to the internet, ginkgo is incredible for your memory. Beer enthusiasts seem to have awful short term memory, especially between the hours of 8 PM and 5 AM, with Sundays being foggy as a whole. Not sure what part of theginkgo tree you’re supposed to eat, lick, or make tea out of, but when in doubt, smoke it.

Uber Ride Credits
Uber car service hit Philadelphia about a year and a half ago and it’s the greatest. It’s basically a fairly cheap, fancy pants car service. The cars are real clean and the drivers have fancy names like Asher, Kareem, and Jake. With drinking and driving not as cool as it once was, Uber is probably the best alternative to drunkenly murdering someone. A lot of the cars offer bottled water, which helps the aforementioned hydration problem. There’s an app for anyone with a legit phone and they’ve just lowered their prices. Give your beer buddy some Uber Bucks or whatever they offer. Quick dating tip: Guys, if I was a lady, I wouldn’t go home with any dudes in a cab with Uber available. It means you’re cheap. Ladies, if I was a lady, I’d kill myself.

Hot New Video Game System
It’s either XBOX or PS4 this year. This has nothing to do with beer. This is on here because everyone wants one of them, even though no one seems to be sure which one. Sounds like the XBOX does all types of communication and techier stuff, while PS4 seems like it’s built for more serious video game playing. I think I’m going for my first PlayStation. I just have to figure out how to get it in the house past my ladyfriend. It wont last long. I’ll probably get busted when she hears me go crazy when I realize my kids broke it. Like my Wii. And three iPhones. And cameras.

Change Your Mind
Just start liking beer for a year. Torture yourself by going to beer fests. He or she would probably get a kick out of watching you try to drink it. Start with rauchbiers. You’ll love them.

Merry whatever,
J.G

About Mat Falco

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