by Joe Gunn
I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. I would have taken anything, even the lame powers of Aquaman or the male Wonder Twins. Around the age of 10, I thought I was developing ESP, and I can roll one eye without the other, but these powers never amounted to anything. The eye thing actually gives me a splitting headache. Technically, I’m my own kryptonite.
I’ve always debated which super power I would take if I had a choice. It usually comes down to teleporting or knowing everyone’s name. Either would make my life way easier. When I originally sat down to write this column about soccer, I got really bored and started thinking about superhero powers that could help me in the beer world. I swiftly deleted the eight words I had about European Kickball, and came up with these guys. I call them the Incredible Crafty Sudsy Six.
Samuel Atoms. While technically a giant superhero, he somehow can trick the rest of the world into thinking he’s very small. Even his special move, the Twisted T, appears as though it comes from a different person. One of the most powerful superheroes, but he’ll never admit it. His sidekick, Raspberry Wheat Kid, might be the worst superhero out there.
Macrobuster. This guy can see into the soul of beer and tell which “craft brews” are secretly owned or supported by giant breweries. With the recent trend of craft breweries selling out, like Blue Point and Goose Island to Bud, Terrapin to MillerCoors (partially), etc., Macrobuster would fight for truth and justice and punish those trying to weasel in our turf.
Dr. Beer Goggles. Every woman sees him as if they’ve had about eight drinks in an hour. If they actually have eight drinks in an hour, he appears as Sam Calagione. On the flip side, he sees everybody the same way, so every lady is doable. Nobody actually knows what he looks like but according to his breath, he must be pretty ugly. Currently dates the female superhero Desperate Cougar.
Beer Can Hatman. This lucky fella was born permanently wearing one of those hats that holds cans of beer with straws that go in your mouth. Any beer he imagines fills the cans at the proper temperature. His enemies fear him because he drinks all the time and he’s Irish. Not necessarily a superpower, but Beer Can Hatman pees more than any superhero.
Mouthshocker. A lot of bars have a little device between their kegs and their taps that sends a little shock of electricity to kill bacteria and yeast in the tapline to deliver a cleaner, better tasting beer. Mouthshocker would shock every sip of beer to always have a perfectly clean beverage. She can disable men by “kissing” them, but luckily she never has the opportunity because she drinks too much and is kind of a jerk.
Super Sales Rep Girl. The envy of all mortal sales reps. Super Sales Rep Girl lost the ability to hear people complain during an especially high-pitched complaint about getting Pliny the Younger. Instead, she now hears the “meow meow song” from the old Meow Mix commercials. You would think that would drive you crazy, but she loves kittens. She is also a good driver, which might be the most unbelievable power on this list.
These Sudsy Six are united against the evil Macro Empire led by the dastardly duo, Coors the Racist and Bud the European. Like most beer groups, their meetings are postponed a lot and about 15 minutes of them are spent on actual business before a party breaks out. Their significant others and children are welcomed to all events, but are rarely told about them. Because of their bravery and never ending service, the Philly Beer Scene sleeps safely at night… all drunk on beer. a