Old Cranky Pants Gunn
written by Joe Gunn
I’m about to turn 40 and it’s not going well. I don’t really feel old but I’m totally freaked out about being halfway to 80. People in their 20s and 50s like to tell me it’s the new 30. Problem is, those guys are idiots or are REALLY old. At least people in their 30s and 40s will acknowledge that it blows. Forty is so legitimately old and I still play Nintendo, watch cartoons, and enjoy Legos more than my kids. I guess I have start thinking about retirement which seems fun. I love cruises.
I totally understand why old men get cranky now. They’re sore, bitter, and running out of friends. My friends keep moving west and are relatively healthy, but still. Here are some things that I, as an old cranky man, want to get rid of for the simple fact that I’m sick of them and young people annoy me.
Honey Badgers. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them, they do fight cobras and all, but there seems to be an abundance of references to these things in pop culture. For a while there, half the Quizzo teams in the country were named after them. It all started with a BBC documentary titled Honey Badgers: Masters of Mayhem, which was followed by a way better YouTube clip of a guy who overdubbed his fabulous voice into it. It then went mainstream, mainly through sports, which is why it bothers me so much. I’m probably just jealous that they’re all younger than me.
Bourbon Barrel Aging. When it first came around, I understood why aging beer in bourbon barrels was kind of cool. It made perfect sense to me. What it’s become though is the easiest way to trick people into thinking a beer is better than it is. Any flaw in brewing a beer can be disguised by throwing it in an overpowering bourbon barrel. I’ve never brewed a beer in my life. I guarantee if I started today, and I aged my first ever beer in a bourbon barrel, and put a Bell’s sticker on it, it’d be in the 90s on Beer Advocate.
Pirate Jokes. Pirate jokes “arrrrrrrghh” beat. It’s the same joke every time. Actually, everything about pirates are overrated. They’re generally considered in the same tier of coolness as ninjas and dragons but modern pirates are just a bunch of teenagers on a speed boat.
Collaboration Beers. A lot of them are good. No doubt. The problem is, one brewer is always better than the other. This means that you’re either drinking a better version of the shittier brewer’s beer or a crappy version of the good one. And now there are a million of them. If I were an IRS man, it’d just look like a bunch of brewers trying to write off some cross country trips.
The Time This Happened. That dumb phrase shows up every couple of seconds on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. It’s usually a caption with something like a zany picture of a chair in a pool, or something that happens every second of every day like a sunrise. It’s meant to show off that you’re witness to something really cool. The problem is, with social media, you see everything in the world, so what you’re doing pales in comparison to what’s going out there.
Homeless Honesty. I get it. We all think it’s funny when a homeless guy has a sign that says something like “Honestly, I just need a beer.” Well, that was funny about 20 years ago when I first saw it, but now we give too much credit for it. The joke’s old. Being homeless doesn’t give you a pass to use old jokes. I’d do a sign that says “Need Wi-Fi” with an arrow to my cup or “Help, I’m going to have to eat my dog,” and I’d have a really cute stolen dog.
Too Soon? It’s used after every single joke about a dead person or tragedy. It’s a relatively new phrase to be so beat, but people say it all of the time and the worst part is, everyone laughs. Every time. I might be more annoyed with the people that laugh at it than the person who says it because you’re enabling them. If you’re laughing at a joke you’ve heard more than three times, you’re just being polite, but you’re not helping anybody.
Whatevergate. Adding “gate” to any controversy is probably the most beat thing on this list. For instance, the media would dub this paragraph Gategate. It’s so obviously overused, a legitimate journalist wouldn’t even include it on this list, but I have a word count to fill. Famous stupid -gates include Nipplegate, Weinergate, and two different Strippergates.
I’m sorry to use this space to complain to the dozen or so who read this, but I only get old once. I’ll get back to kinda writing about beer next time, if I make it.