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I On Beer

I On Beer

Male Man

written by Joe Gunn

Over the years, I’ve noticed a bunch of men’s health magazines talk about beer without having a clue about it, so I imagine it’s OK for me to write a men’s health column in a beer magazine. The difference is, I know a ton about men’s health. Specifically, the male body. I know most of them are ugly, lumpy, and smell bad. As a guy who has a bod that isn’t any of these things, I thought it’d be nice to share some of the tricks I’ve come up with while being a borderline 10 my whole life.

Hair. First of all, stop washing your hair. Just blast it with hot water every shower. It’ll leave enough natural grease and stuff in your hair to not let it look like you live in the seventies. Feel free to condition it a couple times a week. I guess if you smoke you’ll have to wash it more, but you’ll be dead before most of the long-term effects that I’m worried about kick in. For those of you who use product, never use anything containing SD Alcohol 40. Might as well use battery acid. Also, barbers give awful haircuts. Find a stylist.

Body. Work out. I personally have skipped this one to avoid the pressure of being the perfect man, but apparently it’s very good for you. Makes you stronger and taller. Be careful though, lifting too many weights seems to make you an asshole. I’ll also go on record and say that yoga is a very good idea. Now that I wake up sore every day, I get it. You’re basically made up of rubber bands that twist up and screw up your organs. Another benefit of going to yoga is yoga pants. Whoever invented yoga pants is the man, but I’d take a bullet for whoever tricked girls into thinking its OK to wear them out as everyday pants.

Deodorant. Men’s deodorant is ridiculous. Who wants to smell like a mountain? The gels are all gross and sticky and the rest smell like people used to smell. I have strictly worn women’s deodorant for about ten years and have developed quite a reputation as a great smelling guy. Powdery fresh and gentle is a very comfortable way to live. Feel free to come up and smell me at anytime (not Sundays) and enjoy. There also seems to be a younger generation who don’t use it all. Something about cancer in their pores or something crazy. It doesn’t help my argument that the bartender who feels the strongest about this is the most laid guy I know. I just think girls like the smell of José Pistola’s on guys.

Manscaping. I don’t want to get too gross about this, but excluding your head, arms, and legs, you should really shave anything you can reach. Seems to be the new standard. Here’s what happened. Younger people realized that hair is disgusting. I’m sure some of you are worried about the worst pain imaginable and possibly bleeding to death in the tub, but it’s easier than you think. It all comes down to another female product. There are these new lady razors with moisturizing gel bumpers on either side of the razor. You can go crazy with these things. Try the Gillette Venus line, particularly the Olay or Breeze versions.

Things to pluck. Considering how important your eyes are to women, there is not enough effort by guys to shape their eyebrows. It’s very simple. Eliminate the unibrow and remove any hair that looks like it’s trying to escape your face. Also, keep an eye for stray ones that grow slightly away from everybody else. They’re jerks too. The most painful advice on here concerns your renegade nose hairs. It sucks to yank them out, but I think that’s why guys overlook it. My wife even feels bad for me when I do it and she hates me. To do it right, blow your nose to get everybody facing the right way, and take out anything close to being able to stick out. I once had a trimmer you jammed up your nose. That thing was amazing. Worked on ears too.

 

About Mat Falco

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